When you hear these complaints have you ever thought:

• I wish she could be like she was when we first met – loving, appreciative, relaxed.

• Sex is the first thing to disappear when she’s so often upset with me.

• She seems so unhappy. How am I doing such a bad job at this?

• I am tired of this. I just want peace.

• I am doing my best to listen but the list of criticisms is endless.

• Doesn’t she see how difficult she can be sometimes

• Can’t she see I’m busting my guts working day and night to support the family

• No matter what I do it’s never good enough for her these days.

• Maybe she would be happier with someone else. Maybe this relationship’s just not going to work. Maybe we just aren’t compatible any more.

• When do my needs and feelings ever get considered?

• I’m starting to feel like she just doesn’t like who I am.

I want you to consider… It’s not your fault. It’s also not your partner’s fault either.

If you are hearing her complaints and you feel like no matter what you do the situation gets worse by the day and is difficult to live with, I want you to consider there’s nothing wrong with you or your partner.

For whatever reason, the relationship has reached a point where things that really matter need to be discussed but because they matter so much they are tricky to talk about without one or both of you feeling attacked.

Over the last 20 years I’ve worked with companies, schools, couples, and individuals to help resolve conflict of all kinds.

I’ve observed that at the heart of all matters, each individual has the desire to be heard, appreciated, understood and cared for. I know that you want this for yourself and you want this for your partner. I’m also sure that you’re giving it all you’ve got, doing your absolute best with the skills you have.

However, in order to break the cycle of blame and argument, you need to create a sense of deep safety and non-judgement between you both. Most of us are never shown how. It requires a bunch of skills that are the opposite to our normal, automatic reactions.  It also requires you to look at your communication skills because how, when and the way you communicate often makes matters worse, even when you’re busting your gut to make things better. Am I right?

How often do you find yourself:

• Compromising what you want to say because you don’t want to cause more drama?

• Raising your voice in frustration because she’s talking so much you feel you can’t be heard?

• Wanting to walk out of the room just to get a break from the tension?

• Saying that you understand her but still feel upset or confused by what she’s said?

• Letting her get away with accusations that actually really hurt?

• Trying to win an argument even though you can see it’s damaging the love between you?

• Regretting the way you reacted in the heat of an argument?

• Remembering things she’s said or done that still feel wrong to you?